SAME OLD SCHOOLBOY GAME GOT YOU INTO THIS MESS

   We’re in the kitchen of our first house, which was a 19th century farmhouse with no electricity or running water at the time my parents bought it. There was a well pump in the backyard, which was the only source of water until my dad put in electricity and plumbing himself, which took months. Since we already lived there and the house was torn apart, I slept in the tub. My folks got the place for cheap because they were in a religious cult which had purchased the old house and its 40 acres with the intention of building a neighborhood from scratch and selling the houses for profit.  All of the men in the cult wanted to be carpenters like Jesus and worked for free building these and other houses. By the time I could walk and talk, the new neighborhood was built and we lived in the creepy old house which the neighborhood kids thought was haunted. The last residents before us in the old farmhouse were two blind elderly brothers, sons of the original farming family who had lived there since birth, and the other kids said they haunted the place.

   So we’re in the kitchen, with red and white floral wallpaper and dark wood everywhere.  Dad is shuffling a deck of cards and gets a funny look. He perks up and says “Hey, want to play 52 pickup? It’s a card game, you’ll like it” and I hesitantly nod yes. He throws the cards all over the kitchen and bellows “PICK ‘EM UP!” laughing maniacally. The humor is lost on me and I run away. He’s annoyed that I don’t think it’s funny and chases after me to explain there’s 52 cards in a deck and anyone else would think this is a really funny joke.  

   It was around this time I realised that sometimes if I didn’t understand a joke, an adult would think it’s funny. For example I was watching Looney Tunes and Daffy Duck jumped into Bugs’s rabbit hole to get away from Elmer Fudd, who sticks his gun barrel down the hole and blasts away. Daffy comes out, all shot to hell, and says “No more for me, thanks! I’m driving!” This joke made no sense to me as a kid. Where is he driving? Is this supposed to be funny? That night at the dinner table my mom asked if I wanted any more peas, and I said “No more for me, thanks! I’m driving!” and my folks about fell out of their chairs laughing. “Where did you hear that?!” she demanded, and I told her on the Bugs Bunny show, which elicited a huge eyeroll. 

   A few weeks later I go for a sleepover at Sean’s house, a pal from Cub Scouts, and arrive in the afternoon. His dad is wearing yoga pants with no underwear and is cheerfully cooking a quiche. He is rocking out to Boz Scaggs and my dad likes it. After my parents leave, Sean’s dad invites me into their home with a flourish, does a pirouette, and returns to his quiche. Me and Sean play with his pet guinea pig for a while and I see a deck of cards on the table. Maybe Sean will think it’s funny? I say “Hey Sean, want to play 52 pickup?” and throw the cards in the air. Well he freaks out completely and starts screaming and crying and runs away to tell his dad. I’m suddenly worried that I’ve don’t something bad and am going to get in trouble because he’s really bawling. His dad brings him back and says “What seems to be the trouble here? You’ve certainly made a big mess, do you expect Sean to clean this up?” I say “no, sir” and start picking the cards up. “My dad showed me this joke and said everyone would think it’s funny.” Now I’m crying too. Sean’s dad says “well I’m afraid we don’t think it’s too funny in this house, we’ll have to call your parents and send you back home.” At this Sean really lets loose, his face turning red, kicking and screaming, and really going over the edge. I realize there’s really something off about him and can’t wait to get out of there.