GOOD TIMES NEVER SEEMED SO GOOD

   My folks gave me a cheap portable record player in 1980 with the Muppets on the inside cover and blinking lights that reacted to the music. I was pretty excited but didn’t have any records, and my dad immediately told me not to put his good records on there. My mom said “but he needs something to play on it” and my dad went to look for a record he could let me wreck.  He came back a long while later with a Neil Diamond 45rpm with the big hole, and that was my first record. We listened to it right then, and my dad was like “yeah, it’s not very good.”  

   Somehow a bunch of kids came over and we were all hyper and starved for entertainment in my room. Maybe it was my birthday? One kid saw the record player and asked me to play a record, and I remember telling him it wasn’t very good and trying to get the big-hole 45 adaptor to pop out of the turntable. I finally got the thing playing and a kid immediately tripped over the power chord, unplugging the machine and causing the sound to dive-bomb into new sonic territory. Every kid bugged out in amazement and Kristen Connolly said “Your house IS HAUNTED” and another kid said “Do it again!”  I didn’t know what was happening, but I went to plug it back in with the needle still on the record and it whirred right back to speed. Everybody was psyched but the song was the least interesting part. I unplugged it again and again it slowed to a crawl and cut off. I started plugging and unplugging the player and everyone started spazzing out and dancing or otherwise breaking my stuff. Just as my mom came to see what was happening, I got a huge electric shock, peed my pants, and started crying. Another kid started crying too and everybody had to go home.